First i just wanna say that my grandma's dog Pia died one week ago.
It was a total shock to me and my family.
Pia was a beautiful Leonberger, and she was loved by everybody in the family.
Rest in peace, beautiful dog.
You'll forever be missed, and I'll never forget you.
Now that I think about it, I've always been a nervous person.
Every time we were going to a birthday party, celebrating something,
going swimming or going to the movies i always felt the same way.
Very nervous, excited and a bit nauseous.
About 4 years ago, i had a breakdown and what happened happened:
We had moved to a new place in the summer the year before.
I started going to a new school. The first few months I just walked around alone,
and i would text and call my mom several times a day.
I wasn't bullied, but i knew some people thought i was a loser.
There were a few people who liked to pick on me and make comments, but it wasn't too bad.
I made a couple of friends and a few acquaintances before Christmas.
I was starting to become happier and more confident as the months went by.
But then, when summer had come to an end and it was time to go back to school,
things weren't as great anymore. I had a new teacher, there were new kids at school and it wasn't just me and my friend Maria anymore. She knew all these people that i didn't.
I started feeling less safe and confident.
I guess we all know how much people with Aspergers likes change..
A few weeks into the school year, i was sick for a week.
When i was feeling better and it was time for school again,
something inside me stopped.
I couldn't go to school, i just couldn't.
I stayed at home instead. In my safe house, alone with my thoughts.
I didn't have a great feeling about skipping school,
but still I felt more relaxed than i had in some time.
My parents tried getting me back to school, i couldn't just stop going to school. People from school came to tell me the same thing, i had to go to school.
They asked me what was wrong, and why i didn't go to school.
I didn't know why, and i barely said a word. I don't just open up to strangers.
That fall i became very depressed.
All I did was watch TV and eat brownie batter. Yes, i made brownie batter just to eat it.
I barely left the house. I gained some weight. I didn't want to talk to people.
As the weeks went by, i started talking to a psychologist. I went to her once a week.
I was very nervous about going to her, and it takes a very long time
before I trust someone enough to open up to them.
She said that i lived in a little bubble, and it was growing smaller and smaller.
I knew she was right.
After some time, i tried going back to school gradually. It didn't work.
One year later I started going to a new school a few hours a week, it didn't work.
My psychologist thought i might have anxiety, but I didn't think so.
I had problems with food/body image and i ate very little and started working out more.
I was also cutting.
As things didn't improve, i was gonna stay at
the psych ward at the hospital for a few weeks.
My mom had suspected that i might have AS.
When my younger cousin got diagnosed with, she was absolutely certain that i had it too.
She recognized the symptoms that my aunt told her about.
My aunt was sure i didn't have Aspergers though.. But she didn't really know me that well.
I was one of those sweet, shy girls and tried to be polite and not very visible.
I feel like i was wearing a mask back then, and I'm still stuggling to take it off,
instead of just smiling all the time.
But at that ward, even though i felt like i was loosing control and i didn't like it there,
the psychologist there was certain that this was something i was born with.
Something hadn't just happened out of the blue, i had always had it.
He was open to the idea that i might have AS.
One year later we finally heard from the autism team at the hospital, the said i had Aspergers.
I didn't know any of this. My mom hadn't shared much of her suspicions with me.
It was almost a shock for me, but after a few weeks i started to feel relieved.
I felt like things could finally get better.
I actually knew what my "problems" were, i felt more in controll,
and i knew that many people had AS too.
But this wasn't the end of my life in a bubble.
To be continued...
-LM
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