My grandma

She was here today.
I stopped being with family about 2-3 years ago, but I see her every now and then. We used to be much closer before, that's another thing my anxiety has messed up.

I was in the kitchen making food like I do when we're gonna have visitors.
That way I don't have to be hungry while I hide away from people. Yeah, that's what I do.
She came earlier than I expected, I thought I still had a few minutes.
All of a sudden the doorbell rings. She's here.
I start to get stressed, but I've learned to calm myself down. I don't panic.
Instead I keep washing the pan. She says hello to everybody and she comes into the kitchen.
I look at her for half a second before I hurry over to her and hug her.
We just stand there and hug each other. When we let go, I see the tears in her eyes.
I feel so bad for her. It was so amazing to finally be able to hug her.
I wanted to be there for her, losing her dog Pia was really hard for her.
And for everybody else. Pia was part of our family.
I really miss my grandma. I know she misses me too. It's not easy having anxiety. It affects a lot of people when you are as isolated, nervous of seeing people and have as little self esteem as I do.
My grandma means so much to me.
When I was younger, going to visit grandma at her house was the best thing in the world.
She was the person I wanted to be.
I always told my mom "Mommy, when I'm the same age as grandma, I wanna be just like her!"
I wanted to have nice purses like her, with lipsticks, car keys and creditcards in them.
I wanted to wear high heels and pretty coats like her.
I love all her how she has many different scarves in different colors.
She has pretty, sparkly brooches that she puts on her coats and sweaters.
Her perfumes smell great.

I wanna be just like her one day.
My grandma is a wonderful woman that I admire very, very much.


-LM